Cryptoland: Unrolling my livetweets of the video from hell

Twitter an up-and-coming crypto scam—er, project—has managed to dunk on cryptobros better than any satirist i've seen so far, with one of the most painful-to-watch youtube videos i've seen in a while. join me in hell as we watch this together:

Twitter "do you want to be part of the world's first physical crypto island?"

there are few things i want less

Twitter "a private island with a complete ecosystem that represents the blooming crypto space"

these people are going to die on this island aren't they

Twitter the video begins with a montage of men bro-hugging and clinking beers, with not a woman in sight. they seem to have taken inspiration from the Fyre Festival promo, but maybe they couldn't afford the hot models?

Twitter they tout their 60 parcels of 1 acre each, with careful wording that visionary investors will "acquire land" (despite later portions of the video, which show a guy turning up to a fully-built mansion on what appears to be much more than an acre)

Twitter they don't mention the starting price, so i looked it up for you. 319 ETH a pop, or about $1.2 million.

Twitter we cut away from the island rendering now to @kyle_chasse on a zoom video hyping the project, clearly reading from a script just off-screen. he claims they have spent "$500,000 of their own money" on the project

Twitter now an unnamed person hypes the project, though the most specific praise he seems to have is "look at the quality of this 3D animation". buckle up, it's time for the animated video and it is a doozy.

Twitter "hi! this is me, christopher. a cryptodegen with a crush for cryptokitties"

end my suffering

Twitter someone who was not familiar with cryptokitties has pointed out to me how much it sounds like he just said he was "a cryptodegen with a crush for cryptokiddies", underscoring why you have people test-watch your promo videos

Twitter he flies in on a helicopter and disembarks, overhearing a conversation:

"so, are you coming to the vladimir club party tonight?"
"yeah! just for cryptolander NFT holders, right?"
"yeah man!!"

we now meet connie (so like... con?), the anthropomorphic coin

Twitter an arch over the entrance reads "WELCOIN TO CRYPTOLAND: The hodlers of last Resort"

Twitter evidently people on this island permanently have the overexcited energy of awkward convention-goers meeting fellow nerds who get their in-jokes for the first time, because they're standing on a dock yelling "honeybadger don't care!" and "we are going to make it!"

Twitter the keys to christopher's mansion say "not your keys, not your bitcoin" on the keychain. "where do you come up with these crazy ideas?" he asks. connie looks in the direction of a flushing toilet sound. at this point i was strongly wondering if this was satire.

Twitter connie and christopher get into a yellow lamborghini and make their way to christopher's mansion in "the blockchain hills".

Twitter they arrive at a fully-built mansion, complete with a bear-fur rug, in-floor hot tub, and foosball and pool tables. i'm pretty sure this project is only actually selling land, but i guess we'll just gloss over that.

Twitter christopher now awkwardly hits on a cute shy girl who reaches for a fork at the same time as him at the crypto restaurant. somehow she resists stabbing her eyes out with it after he makes a bad joke about blockchain forks.

Twitter the musical number begins. i nearly gave up at this point. if you drink, i would recommend pausing the video to go get one.

Twitter "musical" is maybe generous for whatever this is

Twitter "i'm exhausted" says connie after the dance number. me too.

Twitter "i'm still amazed by the success of the cryptolanders NFT collection", says christopher. i assume this statement is also set in some far-future where the island also actually exists, because the NFT collection he mentions is currently enjoying lukewarm success at most

Twitter it's another dime-a-dozen generated NFT, this one based on the "connie" mascot. they're... not great. the average price for one of these babies over the past 90 days was 0.15 ETH, or $575. not exactly buying-an-island-in-fiji money.

Twitter now they're in a room in a casino full of people playing air hockey. everyone pictured appears to be male, except for a waitress who is being painfully hit on by a man in a pepe the frog shirt. this may be the most realistic part of the video.

Twitter "oh my god." says christopher, looking around the casino. "this must be a joke."

at this point in the video i was thinking the same.

Twitter remember the cute girl from the fork joke? a seagull steals her hardware wallet. christopher saves the day, and the two of them float off in the sunset in a "cryptokitty" inflatable.

we've finally gotten to the end of the animated video.

Twitter now we meet max olivier and helena lopez, the cofounders. googling them turns up little, except for this article (in spanish) about "the man all spanish youtubers hate".

Twitter it describes how both olivier and lopez were involved in a magazine that published papparazzi photographs of a youtuber named elrubius, and his girlfriend, who he had previously tried to keep private. the magazine shut down shortly after.

Twitter after publishing the paparazzi photos, olivier tried to cover up his ties to the magazine, then apparently falsely claimed that he was not active in the magazine's day-to-day operations. shady.

Twitter anyway, back to the video. helena and max are on stage to talk about crypto land at some sort of small press conference. helena speaks now.

Twitter "today marks a very important milestone. it's taken us a very long time and a great deal of work, but it's been worth it because now we can finally say that cryptoland exists. it exists in digital form, but it exists nonetheless"

oh dear.

Twitter "this is v1", she says, pointing at a banner showing an island. wait, what is v1 exactly?

"now we're going to enter into a very, very, very exciting phase, which is migrating v1 into the physical world, v2"

Twitter "cryptoland is the first crypto-themed place on earth" he says, failing to mention it doesn't exist

Twitter now we're shown a series of sketches for gyms, menus, and... toilets, because apparently these folks don't want you to be able to escape "crypto related messages" even in the bathroom. the overlaid text has multiple typos.

Twitter over a montage of max and helena jetsetting, helena talks about searching for a location. she says it will be an "eco-friendly crypto-paradise", though doesn't explain how that will work with the lamborghinis or the fact that the project is set up on the ethereum (PoW) blockchain

Twitter "we quickly realized that it was practically impossible to convey this all with a PDF or something, because it's so abstract.... like the lambos, the bitconnect scam memorial, the cryptokitties... things that we know people will get it if they see it"

Twitter "more than 30 talented 3D artists from pixar-type production companies participated in the creation of the cryptoland short film, which took more than a year to complete"

so i guess that's what they did with the $500k that kyle chasse mentioned at the beginning of the video

Twitter max: "using the space wisely has raised a series of challenges because we have a limited area, yet nothing important can be left out". this, he clarifies, includes the "rockstar cryptocurrencies having their own space" to convey their "powerful status"

Twitter that's a relief, because we certainly wouldn't want them to waste space on trivial things like sanitation or power facilities

[Quoted tweet by Grady Booch]
Oh. My. God.

I have no words.

As someone who lives on an island, I have to ask: where do they put services such as sanitation and electricity? How does one get food to the island? Where do the people who provide services for all the cryptofanatics live?

Twitter "we are already partnering with some of the most visionary projects of the cryptoverse", says helena, not mentioning which. "this is the last and most important step before we start the actual construction of the site" is it???

Twitter max and helena finally wrap up the video. "we'll become the number one safe haven for crypto lovers"

like... tax haven? non-extradition haven?

Twitter i spent a fair bit of time trying to determine if this is a real project or some beautiful satire. i'm still holding out hope it's the latter, but unfortunately it seems like it may be the former. there is an NFT project behind it, an active twitter account, and...

Twitter ...a 10k+ person (though possibly bot-heavy) discord server. crypto investor @kyle_chasse has talked them up (YouTube video) as has @CharlieShrem (tweet)

Twitter anyway, this has been my villain origin story

Twitter - "who could fall for this scam?"

well this "Cryptolander" apparently hasn't bothered to even ask where the island is

Twitter the island they're eyeing is probably this one, which is currently listed for sale for $12 million

[Quoted tweet by @MadBastard_v2]
Okay, so I did a little looking up, and apparently, the island that they're planning on using for this is Nananu-i-cake, in Fiji.

Looks like a nice place. Except it's a tiny island. Not even a mile across it's widest part.

And.... some people live there already.

Twitter for some reason 🤨 you have to check a box asserting that you are not a US citizen in order to purchase (sorry, mint) a parcel, which raises some questions about how @kyle_chasse supposedly managed to

Twitter this is apparently news even to their "super mod"

Twitter i am, sadly, reading their whitepaper now. so far they plan to power the island through diesel generators and uproot some pesky mangroves that are in their way. eco-friendly!

Twitter "electric buggies will deliver people and goods around the island over the buggy roads"

now hang on, what happened to the lambos??

Twitter "Masterplan.pdf" includes plans for staff lockers, break room, etc. but there are no staff accommodations. This presumably means that staff will not stay on the island, which I'm sure will go just fine when one of those Fiji storms blows through and they can't get to work.

Twitter

Twitter Infrastructure.pdf might be convincing at the quickest of skims. it falls apart under closer reading, such as where it directly contradicts itself.

Twitter "It is anticipated that part of the Islands facilities such as the Laundry, Offices, Marina, Garbage storage rooms, etc. will be based on the Mainland."

what could go wrong

Twitter there is no visible indication that they've made plans for things like fire or medical emergency services

Twitter back to the "why paper" now. the first three pages are small-print terms and conditions. they are SUPER CLEAR you can't buy these NFTs if you're an american. doubt that's enforced on opensea in any way; wonder how many owners are from the US

Twitter they seem to have search-and-replaced to capitalize "King" elsewhere in the document, so their legalese includes stuff like "hereby disclaims, any representation, warranty or undertaKing in any form whatsoever..."

Twitter The Distributor will be an affiliate of [Sat Elite Limited, a company incorporated in the Seychelles with company registration number [NUMBER]] ("CRYPTOLAND")

i'm sure they're from there or something, not because it's a tax haven that's been home to several crypto scams

Twitter a bunch more CYA type wording that i am in no way qualified to interpret but that i suspect any lawyers reading this thread would get a big kick out of

Twitter "CRYPTOLANDERS can hear, see, touch, eat and smell crypto all day long."

i do not wish to know what crypto smells like

Twitter "The most exciting and fun beach will make you want to take your eyes off your portfolio."

do not take your eyes off your portfolio.

Twitter "The Blockchain Bar: The coolest overwater bar to enjoy some drinks like a true Chad with fantastic views over the Crypto Beach."

in case their target demographic was not already painfully apparent

Twitter "The Bitconnect Memorial: ... A tribute to the most notorious of crypto scams."

not a tribute to the victims of the scam, a tribute to the scam itself. classy stuff.

Twitter "The spa also has a Yoga studio to practice and meditate hearing only the sounds of nature."

i assume the sounds of nature in this case also include the bros screaming "to the moon!" outside the studio

Twitter "Why Fiji? The reasons that lead to the conclusion that Fiji is the best place are:
...
Fijian people are among the most welcoming and nice in the world. They have a kind nature and an amazing and very interesting culture."

gross colonizer bullshit, who could've guessed

Twitter "THE PARCELS ARE 1 ACRE EACH AND WILL COME WITH:
* Development potential"

Twitter "Disclaimer: King Cryptolanders funds will NOT be used to purchase the island. The island will be purchased with other sources of funding."

no further information on this whatsoever.

Twitter now we've gotten to the roadmap. evidently there's a cryptoland metaverse project, merch, and PVP game to look forward to, because why focus on one project when you can try to tackle all of them?

Twitter some brave souls have tried to ask questions in the discord server and the cryptolanders aren't taking it well.

"stop spreading FUD!", the rallying cry of crypto scammers everywhere

Twitter probably not fair of me to label the cryptolanders speaking here as scammers, since i don't think they're mods or part of the team. these are just True Believers who are somehow totally bought in to this idea

Twitter this cryptolander is going to be floored when they learn about home inspectors

Twitter their discord bot bans links to the website that shows that this island they have all these plans for is still listed for sale.

Twitter oh, if anyone's looking for the documents i've been referring to, i've copied them here: (Google Drive)

Twitter did you think it couldn't get worse? it sure can!

Twitter caveat: i haven't been able to independently verify this (can't find an archive link), but there is a deleted reply from the cryptoland account on the original tweet.

Twitter archive link found 🙃

[Quoted tweet by @widesauce]
Got ‘em (again) (archive.org)

Twitter :( was it something i said?

Twitter "orchestrated attack"

Twitter more shady business:

[Quoted tweet by Hahaitsfunny]
Lol... Hey @cryptoland - you got anything to say about this? One of the staff you advertise on your website is not affiliated with your project at all. Sounds like a scam to me!

Twitter and they used stolen assets in the animation:

[Quoted tweet by kamilabianchi]
Hello, you have been using my Seagull Rig to advertise your product. This is not authorised. Can you please remove it from all your videos/ campaigns?

Twitter apparently cryptoland, a project entirely based on the "ideology" of crypto, goes running to centralized interventions when it suits them. fortunately decentralized services have existed since long before web3, and someone seems to have re-uploaded it to peertube

Twitter i wonder why this project suddenly no longer wants people to watch the video they spent so much time and money on?

the video is also available on the wayback machine, though their player can be slow and they are more susceptible to takedowns: (link)

Twitter so much for "the future of the web will be decentralized, immutable, and free from the meddling of big tech companies"

Twitter as a little treat, the lovely and undoubtedly extremely attractive person who uploaded the video to peertube also shared this extended cut of the animation (nearly twice as long) in case anyone truly wishes to torture themselves: (link)

Twitter i'm wondering if the founders are trying to distance themselves from the project in taking down this video but not the one w just the animation. that's what they did with another project that went up in flames after they doxxed someone (see previous tweet)

Twitter if so, they probably wouldn't want people to see this extremely self-indulgent "Cryptoland founders" video they made: (link)

Twitter lol

Twitter

Twitter and i sincerely apologize for each and every one of them

Twitter "cease and decease" (tweet link)